Ever feel like you’ve been pruned to the roots, to the point that there is nothing more to prune without digging the whole plant up, burning it & planting a totally new seed?
I’ve felt that way over the past year and ½. I thought maybe I had hit bottom, learned what I needed to learn from this particular episode of my life and was ready to climb out of my little pit & tackle the next mountain in my life. Then… Kah-Boom! I get hit again.
It’s not a personal attack from someone else. It’s my own words coming back to bite me. They do that often, I’m sad to admit.
I feel like Paul in the Bible, I say what I wish I wouldn’t say & don’t say what I wish I would…(DFV, Dawnita F. version).
I have some very patient & wonderful friends in my life. They are so forgiving. I have to Praise God right here for giving me such dear and enduring friends. The things they put up with from me is amazing. You see, I’m the type of person that sees something that needs to be done and does it… in other peoples homes… It doesn’t even occur to me to ask them if they want help. I think they need it, so there I am, doing something that oftentimes ends up making them feel intruded upon. I don’t mean to. I’ve gotten better, really I have. I want to make my friends lives easier. I see each one of my friends as a princess or an angel & I just don’t think they should have to struggle with anything… Silly of me I know. I’m learning to concentrate my prayers for them in a more general fashion, “Lord, give them what they need, what YOU know they need. Not what I would have them receive from you, or what they think they want in their lives, but what they really need.” That’s a hard prayer for me to pray. Sometimes… Oftentimes, God knows we NEED some struggles in our lives to help us grow in character.
When it comes down to the bare bones of the situation, I am frank and bold. I speak what’s on my mind. I have not tended to use the same discretion with my friends as I do with others. I know my friends usually understand my heart or will call my attention to something I need to reconsider or reevaluate, without usually taking offense. We often “agree to disagree” and retain a productive & fruitful friendship.
Unfortunately, as our children have grown, the children don’t have the same take on the matter. The children have seen me as critical, self-righteous, and hypocritical. They don’t know my heart and honestly, they don’t care. They are growing up thinking I am trying to pit their parents against them & being upset at their parents for not standing up to my nosy, overbearing ways. How do you reconcile with a young adult who’s been holding grudges against you for so long that there is nothing you can say or do, even in sincere apology, to change their view of you? Honestly, they don’t owe me a chance to make my peace with them. They owe me nothing. Just because I had no clue they felt this way, doesn’t give me any right to try to reconcile.
I’ve always been the type of person that wants every one to be happy. The older I get, the more I realize, it just is not possible. I’m so sad and discouraged about it, I’ve found myself in tears often over the past year and a ½, and I don’t cry easily.
So, now, what do I do? I look into the depths of my faults, into my heart, the deep dark crevices of my heart to see where I need to change myself. What do I need to do differently? How do I need to watch the words coming out of my mouth (and heart), to make sure I am becoming a proper example of the Messiah in my life?
Personally, I’d like to have a pity-party, eat a bunch of chocolate, and blame someone else or the circumstances. I’d rather cry, scream, & rant and rave about the injustices my children and I have had to endure. But… Would I be learning what the Lord would have me learn? Would I be drawing closer to HIM in the process? No, I wouldn’t. I’d be sitting at the bottom of this nasty pit wondering why it’s so dark in here, rather than climbing up to the light & looking for that silver thread of hope. I keep slipping and falling back in for some reason, but I’m going to just keep trying until either the Good Lord puts me out of my misery, or sends help (miracle grow? Or a step ladder?)…
Try not to stumble into this pit as you are traveling by! It’s a nasty one!